I Will Not Miss This

I'm tired of the people who tell me "When your son starts walking around on his own and isn't paying attention to you anymore, you will miss this time." I'm tired of hearing "When your kid is embarrassed by you, you will miss this time." I'm tired of "When your son is independent, you will miss this time when he is dependent on you." I respectfully disagree. Those who say that do not understand what I'm going through. I will NOT miss this time.
Yes, there are some things I will miss. I will miss the times when he smiles at me. As angry as I get at him, I forget it all when he smiles at me. I almost cry. It feels so good, especially now that I know he is smiling AT ME and not just making a random facial expression. I will miss when he reaches to touch my face. I will miss when he lays on my chest and looks around. I will miss being able to tickle him and make him laugh.
There are, however, far more things that I will NOT miss that ultimately will lead to me eagerly saying "farewell" to this time of my life. I will NOT miss reaching insane levels of anger on a daily basis. I have a bad temper, and many things send me from 0 to 60 immediately. However, I've never gotten as angry as I get dealing with him. I will NOT miss getting angry at my son. I will NOT miss every day being harder than the last. I will NOT miss getting no sleep. I will NOT miss constantly having to entertain in order to prevent tears. I will NOT miss constant crying. I will NOT miss constant spitting up that people consistently tell me is normally. I WILL NOT MISS PEOPLE TELLING ME THIS SHIT IS NORMAL. I will NOT miss feelings of guilt for being angry over something I can not control. I will NOT miss the feelings of confusion over what is causing my son's frustration. I will NOT miss feeling lost and alone on what to do to fix it. I will NOT miss incompetent doctors who do NOTHING to help me. They can burn in hell. I will NOT miss constantly scouring the internet for new ideas on how to help him, then, becoming hopeful that I have found something that may help him, only for him to spit in my face. I will NOT miss fixing one problem, only for another to arise. I will NOT miss the feeling of "when it rains, it pours." I will NOT miss the constant self-loathing and hatred I have for myself when I look in the mirror because of all the weight I've gained during this time. I will NOT miss being able to do nothing to help myself lose weight because I have no time or money to eat healthy. Then, when he finally goes to sleep at night, I can't work out because I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Losing weight the first time was the hardest thing I'd ever done. It is now the second hardest, and I don't know if I can do it again. I will NOT miss that feeling of helplessness. I will NOT miss this vicious cycle. I will NOT miss spending most of every single day feeling miserable, for a few fleeting moments of joy. I will NOT miss the feelings of guilt for feeling this way.
I love my son so much. He's my best buddy. I know he loves me too. I think what makes all this so hard is that I don't FEEL like he loves me. How could he do this to someone he loves?? I know he doesn't do it on purpose. It just feels that way sometimes. I'm just looking forward to the day when he can appreciate all I've done him. I just want one day, one day, when we can get along as father and son. One day in which I feel I haven't fucked up as a parent and raised a spoiled and bratty baby who is only satisfied when things go his way. One day where I can rest. One day that signifies the end of days I won't miss, and the start of ones I will cherish.