Hillary Clinton: A Woman’s Guide to Destroying the Democratic Party

Hi, my name is Hillary Rodham-Clinton. We are facing a very important general election this November. The decisions we make in November can potentially impact this country for the next 8 years, and many more thereafter. As one of the leading candidates for President of the United States, it is my goal to make sure that our country continues to move in the right direction. By "right direction," I mean the wrong direction.

We have had 8 long and arduous years of President George W. Bush, but is 8 really enough? Despite the fact that our country is declining at an alarming rate, it could be much worse. That, my fellow citizens, is my goal: To make things worse. Though we can not keep President Bush in office, it is my goal to make sure that we elect someone who will continue his work.

As a true blue Democrat, I see no reason why we, the Democratic party, should come together for one common goal. Sure, we could unite as one party and do everything in our power to get a Democrat elected as the next President of the United States. But why be so short-sighted? Yes, that could help us NOW. We may be able to help restore the economy, get our troops out of Iraq, provide competitive health care, and eliminate tax cuts for the rich. But would it not be better to do just the opposite? If we elect John McCain, a man who I believe, unlike Senator Obama, is qualified to be Commander-In-Chief, we can continue going in the right direction. By "right direction," I mean the wrong direction.

Therefore, my fellow citizens, I am going to lay out my detailed plan to make sure that we elect John McCain the next President of the United States. That way, he can help the country continue to move in the right direction. By "right direction," I mean...well, you get the point.

People have said this country is not ready to have a female President. I am out to prove my critics right. The first step of my plan is to make sure that I embody every negative stereotype against women. I will cry at the drop of a hat. It shows I'm human, not that I'm emotional and will be unable to think logically and level-headed in a crisis.

I will think only of myself and no one else. That way, I can ignore what the people want and what is best for our country. I can be better able to further my own goals this way. Would Senator Obama be a good President? Who knows? Would he better than myself? Maybe. Would he better than President Bush? Absolutely! But that is not what's important. What IS important is that I make sure that everything that happens from this point out benefits me, and only me.

Mathematically, it is essentially impossible for me to overtake Senator Obama in overall votes or delegates. Though I can not win the Democratic nomination the "traditional" way, that is no reason for me to quit! I am not a quitter, and I will not quit on this country or my supporters until John McCain is President! I will drag Senator Obama's name through the mud. I will do everything in my power to make him appear unfit to be President. Through this strategy, I can make sure that John McCain becomes President in one of two ways. 1.) I can win the nomination by winning over the superdelegates. The voting Democrats will rebel, either by voting for McCain or not voting at all, since I won the nomination despite losing the overall vote. That happened to them before, and they hated that. 2.) Obama may still win the nomination, but I will have made him so look bad that McCain will beat him, despite Senator Obama previously being one of the most liked and inspirational candidates ever.

I will not know defeat. It is not in my nature. As a woman, I will do everything I can to embarrass strong, intelligent and logically-thinking women. I will make sure that, rather than gracefully accepting defeat and bowing out of the race admirably and uniting behind my fellow Democrat for the better of the country, I will trudge on until everything, including Senator Obama and the Democratic Party, is destroyed in my path. Then, when the dust has settled, and Senator McCain is the new President of the United States, I can rest. I can rest because I know that the country is finally heading in the right direction. By "right direction," I mean the wrong direction.

Thank you.